I've Moved!

You can now find finally waking up on Wordpress, my new URL is

http://finallywakingup.wordpress.com

There's a new post up already so please find your way over there, ignore the current ugliness until I finish moving the furniture around how I want it and update your bloglines/Google Reader etc!

See you there!

Facebook Ate My Life!

Being pretty behind in all things internet I have recently discovered and become slightly addicted to Facebook... Far too many hours on there finding people I've not talked to in forever and looking at different silly things (vampire wars anyone?!?).

I have done some sewing and I will post about it soon, not as much as I wanted to do, haven't met my 'one for them, one for me' goal at all, but I did make something that actually fits me just right right now so that was exciting!

I also want to change the look of my blog but I need to save a copy of everything I've written in case it all blows up on me before I start playing with the template. I think it's time I update to Beta considering it's been around for a few years now...

Anyway, I'm still here, still working on stuff and will attempt to get off Facebook enough to deal with the rest of my life and the blog!

Summer Pyjamas and Crash Bang Whollop

OK, so it's January and it's freezing here at night (and most of the day!) but I wanted something cheery to sew and something easy and bright to get me back into the sewing fray so I pulled out Simplicity 4319 and some very cute fabric I've had in the stash for ages and made myself a pair of summer pyjamas.

I made view C in a size Medium (the finished dimensions on these are huge compared to the measurements given for the size they're supposed to fit). I made a couple of changes along the way. To begin with I added 2 inches to the length of the top as it wasn't long enough for my liking. I didn't add a ribbon onto the shorts or top like the pattern called for as I didn't have anything that matched well and I used elastic in the waist of the shorts rather than a drawstring as I'm not a fan of drawstring pyjama bottoms, I find that they just don't stay comfortably done up for me.

These are pretty easy to make and they took me 3 morning sessions (which weren't very long sessions really) in total, although one of those mornings I was cutting them out rather than sewing.

This is the fabric close-up. I got it from Abakhan a long time ago with no idea of what I wanted to do with it at all, but it was so cute I bought 3-4 metres of it, there's still enough to make something else, I'm wondering if I could get a pair of pyjama bottoms out of it so I could use the top with either the shorts or the longer trousers, will have to pull the pattern and remaining fabric out again and have a look.

I cut out a pair of cord trousers for Piggle after I finished the top this morning so I will get sewing on those tomorrow. It's a very easy pattern that I've used for Jim a few times before so it's pretty brainless sewing, but that's the kind of thing I need at the moment, to make progress on projects and reducing the fabric stash resulting in cute garments to make me feel like I'm doing something and being constructive.

In non-crafty news, last night about 10.15 I was sitting in my living room minding my own business watching Buffy and thinking about going to bed when there was a rather large crash outside my house. I live on the edge of farmland so it's usually pretty quiet around here, the only noise I tend to hear are cars going by and as the road that my house is actually on is a dead end we don't get through traffic in front of the house, just to the side onto a single lane road.

Outside I rushed in my slippers wondering what the hell had happened and hoping that someone hadn't cut the corner too much and run into the back of my car. Instead I was faced with a truly bizarre situation which I really don't think occurs all that often.

Mercedes SUV slid on black ice and met the telegraph pole:

Telegraph pole met the stone wall

and then carried on and met the top corner of my house.

Top corner of house (the coping stones luckily rather than the actual wall of my house) became detached (three large pieces along with a lot of smaller pieces and debris)

and met the top of my car.....

These pictures were obviously taken this morning as it was pitch dark when it happened. The poor man who did it lives less than a quarter mile away, I can see his house from outside mine. He was really shocked about it all, apparently he'd felt it start to slide and had decided to try and pull into my road rather than go down the steep hill beside it which he presumed would also be icy. However, the SUV had a mind of it's own and decided to split the difference and go into the pole instead...

I'm now waiting for his insurance company to ring to say when someone can have a look at, and hopefully fix, my car. It's got a large plastic bag tucked into the hole at the moment as you can actually put your hand in and feel the headliner which isn't too good considering it's decided to rain today.

I realised this morning that it could have been far worse. Luckily the stones hit the car and road rather than going through the roof as the window that you can see in the picture with the pole is the boy's room and it would have probably landed on one or both of them. Their bedroom ceiling now has a crack that wasn't there yesterday but besides that there was no internal damage done and they both slept right through it!

My only worry really is that they will try and write off my car which will leave me in a really bad situation as I couldn't get another one that's as good for the amount they'd give me for it. My landlord will sort out the house stuff and have it fixed (claiming on the man's insurance of course) and British Telecom have been out to check on the pole and will re-sit it soon (also on the poor man's insurance no doubt) and I will wait and see what is to become of my little car... It's the best car I've ever had so I'd be very sad indeed to see it go, so fingers crossed it can be fixed and the frame wasn't bent or anything by the impact.

I think I can safely say though that there was a very small chance of this ever happening so I'm not going to worry about it happening again anytime soon!

Thank You

Thanks so much for all the suggestions! I will try the audiobooks, is there a particular site that anyone could recommend to me to get some good stuff that I can download to my MP3 player to listen to please?

I managed to get some sewing done this morning, I tried just to redirect my thoughts or actually listen to the music I had playing rather than just having it as background noise and that seemed to cut out a lot of the brain 'buzz' that I seem to have going on.

Perhaps I should clarify that I'm not trying to get over the whole divorce/new girlfriend for him/marriage breakup thing by ignoring it. I have pretty much come to terms with it all, although obviously it still hurts. For some reason though my brain just won't let go of it and I seem to torture myself over and over again. I don't want him back, I don't need him back, fine I'm not happy that he moved onto someone else so fast but that's his (and her) problem not mine and I want to get on with my life now thank you very much. I guess I've been used to thinking about it so much, especially in the last few months since he started a new relationship and thought it necessary to rub my face in it whenever he could, that my brain now can't let go of it and find something new to think about. I have found that the longer I go without speaking to him the happier I am so I am avoiding all conversation that isn't absolutely necessary (ie important things to do with the boys) and after 5 days I feel much better about life in general so I intend to keep that up as much as is possible and use email instead of the telephone to tell him what he needs to know about the boys.

I've not posted much about the break-up etc as I guess I kind of felt that I didn't want to put my 'woe is me' out there online for all to see. I also felt like I'd failed and no one, in particular me, likes to be a failure and advertise the fact. I've worked through and am working through a lot of issues still and I do give myself time to think things through and to grieve, but I don't want my whole life to be about getting over this, I think it's time to let it go and move on to who I want to be and what I want to do with my life now that it's over and done with (well, the divorce won't come through for another few months but you know what I mean!).

So, I've set my goals out and I'm going to move forward now, part of that moving forward being not thinking about the whole damn mess so much and letting myself heal. I'm excited about the future again, there are so many things that I can (and do!) do that I could never have done with him around and I feel free (as free as you can do with two kids to raise that is!) again and ready to make my life what I wanted it to be before I went and married the wrong man.

Thanks again for your support, and hopefully I will have something sewn to show you tomorrow. My new sewing goal is to make something for me and something for one of the boys each week. It could be as simple as a t-shirt or some pj pants or a more complicated dress etc, but I want to get back in there and get making again. I loved it when I would wear mostly handmade stuff and as I'm almost back down to the size I was when I achieved that (and the clothes are all waiting in a suitcase for me to be able to wear them agian) I want to add to the wardrobe and try some new styles, plus I have one hell of a lot of fabric just sitting there that should really be seen!

Thinking

Over the holidays I was pretty busy, getting ready for Christmas then the events themselves and I even managed to keep myself busy while the boys were away for 5 days by reading a lot and watching a lot of films. The last few days since they came back have been filled with more reading really so today when Jim went back to school I figured I would go and do some sewing, finally get back into the routine. I had fabric picked out, I had a pattern all ready to go, I was set and excited to be back in the sewing room working on something for myself.

Then it hit me, the major reason that I've not been sewing much in the last few months, when I sew I think and when I think I obsess and go over and over things in my head and it drives me insane.

So I'm now looking for ways to distract myself besides reading and watching tv/films. I can't fit a tv in my sewing room, hell I can barely fit me in my sewing room and music just isn't working. Obviously I can fill the evenings with the reading and tv watching activities but I would like to get through the rest of my day without my brain going over and over the same things and driving me loopy. Thing is I don't know how to distract myself, I don't know how to turn it off. I am someone who's brain runs from the moment I wake up until the moment I finally fall asleep.

How do you all distract yourselves and stop thinking about things you don't want to? I am ready to move on, I want to move on, I need to move on and I thought I was doing really well over the last couple of weeks, that is until I realised that I can't spend every waking moment with my head in a book when it's not holiday time..... I'm sorted for evenings as I've got plenty to read and my Blockbuster subscription plus I got the complete Buffy on DVD for Christmas so that will keep me going for a fair while, but it's during the day when I'm trying to cook, tidy up, drive the car and most of all at the moment *sew* that I need to find a way to keep the ickiness out of my head. Any and all help appreciated!

Books I Read 2009

Here we go again with the 2009 list, I hope to read more this year and to not have months at a time where I don't pick up a book.

January

Dead as a Doornail, Dead to the World, Definitely Dead and All Together Dead - Charlaine Harris
These are the second part of the box set that I read the first 3 of in December. Really enjoyable and easy to read romps through the supernatural world with a great sense of humour and some mystery thrown in. I'm looking forward to the new one coming out!

From Dead To Worse - Charlaine Harris
I was going to wait for this to come out in paperback but I found a secondhand hardback copy online so I bought it. This was probably the most disappointing of the whole 8 books though. Although there were 2 big events that happened in it I still felt at the end that not a lot had happened. I think a lot was setting up events for the next book though so I hope it's worth it when it eventually comes out!

Book Count To Date - 5

Yearly Roundup

So I've nothing new to show for this week alone, I realised that I just needed time to decompress and do as little as possible so reading, film watching and starting to work my way through the complete Buffy The Vampire dvd's that I got for Christmas have been my sole accomplishments this week, along with getting dressed as few times as possible.

I have been doing some knitting though, I cast on and am about three quarters of the way through a circular kitchen mat. I got some more extreme knitting needles for Christmas, one set being 2 dpns that are 19mm, so using 5 balls of yarn I cast on 4 stitches and have been knitting i-cord all week. I have a few more balls of yarn that I want to add in and then I will call it done. I'm interested in measuring exactly how much i-cord I have knit but not so interested in the sewing up that will be required once it's cast off!

I've not been that productive this year compared to previous years which isn't that surprising considering the split from the ex, moving home and trying to figure out how to be a single parent. I was surprised actually at how much I had done, it feels like far less, but as is the tradition here is the list of all the items that I managed to complete in 2008.

Sewing

1 pair of adult Pyjamas
2 nightdresses
3 shirts
2 t-shirts
4 dresses
12 kids t-shirts
9 pairs kids trousers
1 skirt
8 pairs of kids pyjamas
1 pair of kitchen curtains
1 halloween costume
1 bag
2 gratitude wraps

Knitting

6 pairs of socks
4 jumpers
3 scarfs
4 hats
1 hot water bottle cozy
1 cardigan
2 kids jumpers
1 blanket

I have to say that I will be glad to put this year behind me, it's been a rough one and I have spent a lot of it either upset or depressed which is really no way to be living my life. I'm determined to make 2009 the year where I get myself together and begin achieving my goals whilst at the same time leaving the past behind me. My life is so much better now than it has been in years which is great on one level but also manages to make me feel sad on another level if that makes any sense. I have made great leaps towards finding myself again and being who I want to be as well as starting to take care of myself better and to accept who I am. That sounds like an odd combination, changing myself and accepting myself at the same time, but as I figure out more who I want to be I also find sometimes that I'm already like that in some ways and I just lost track of it under the crap I've had to deal with.

Another thing that happened this year which I've not written about is that Jim was diagnosed with mild Aspergers Syndrome. It runs in both families and from some of his behaviours I figured he probably did have some symptoms but actually getting a diagnosis was hard. At the moment his school and I are trying to get him a 'Statement' which basically means proving to the local Council that he is in need of extra help and getting them to pay for it. At the moment Jim has a Teaching Assistant looking after him full time at school as without constant support he gets distracted and is unable to function in the classroom. His TA is wonderful and he loves her to pieces but he needs someone who is just there for him (she has to do her 'proper' job as well which is probably pretty rough on her although she doesn't show it). If we can get the funding from the Council someone will be specifically hired to be with Jim through the whole time he's at this school and it will make it so much easier for him. He's an incredibly bright child (and that's not just the Mother in me talking!) and I am confident that as he grows up he will be able to find a way to function in the world and deal with his issues but for now he's just a little boy who doesn't know he's any different from anyone else and doesn't understand why he finds the world such a confusing place.

In a way having the diagnosis has helped a lot as I can finally see that it's not the way I've parented him and it's not that he's a naughty child, it is what it is. Had he been my second child I probably would have known much earlier that he had issues as he and Piggle are so completely different that it would have been obvious. However, now that I do know (and he doesn't know, I'm not telling him until he asks as I don't see the need to burden him) I can do everything to make life easier for him and to help him get the help he needs. I've filled in an awful lot of very depressing forms this year telling people what is 'wrong' with my child and I'm hoping for less of those forms in the New Year and for less appointments with Educational Psychologists, Speech Therapists and Paediatricians for Jim. The process should end in May and there are still many more hurdles to leap and reports for people to file.

I don't really do resolutions but I do want to set out some goals for the new year and I thought I would share them here in case anyone else is interested or trying to achieve some of the same things.

I want to carry on loosing weight. So far I have lost 30lbs, ok I gained 4 of those back but they will go again soon. I have just been eating more healthily and exercising a bit and it's coming off well. My first major goal was to loose 60lbs so I've a way to go yet but I know I can get there and my goal to reach that 60lbs is May which is totally doable.

I want to make exercise a habit. I tend to exercise for a few days and then when I get to a day off I don't get back to it for another week or so! I want to be exercising 5 days a week without fail and to aid me in that I've bought myself some yoga dvds to work from.

I want to get my finances more under control and pay off as much debt as I can. I am paying back my parents the money that I borrowed when I moved (I make the last payment to them in March) and I have been making larger payments to my credit card than they ask for (although I seem to always have an unplanned expense that has to go on the credit card...). I have a plan and by the end of the year I want to be as debt free as I can be which should be possible and leave me just with a credit card debt that will hopefully be small (barring emergencies of course).

I want to carry on looking after myself well. A lot of this is girly stuff like painting my toenails, doing my hair, dressing better, wearing jewellery etc but for many years now I've put myself last and not felt that I was worth taking the time or money over. Since I have been looking after myself I feel so much better and more confident and I want that to continue.

I want to move on emotionally. I know I can't put a time limit on this and healing takes time but I am no longer willing to wallow in what happened or let it bring me down the way it has been. The divorce will go through before the summer and I want to let it go. I am not the type of person who forgives and forgets, I will never be able to do either of those things, what I need to do is to learn to accept it, even though I don't like it and even though I'm still mad as hell and incredibly hurt. I have to let it go and go onto new things. I wasted too many years on a relationship that wasn't worth it and a man who wasn't right for me in too many ways to count and I refuse to waste another one.

I want to find out my options for studying and make moves towards my PhD. For a while this will just be me reading around the subject I'm interested in and figuring out what I want to actually do the PhD in but I can also make practical moves in finding out how much it will cost, where I'd like to do it and what my financial options are. This is my big dream which will hopefully lead to the career I want once both the boys are in full time school and I need to get going on it and get my brain back into learning and discovering so I can begin the long walk down this new path.

I want to do more sewing and knitting. I have really missed it and when I have managed to get stuff done I have felt wonderful about it. The sewing especially has suffered this year and that has a lot to do with the weight issue (I refuse to sew for myself at such a large size firstly because I hated being that size and secondly because it seemed like a waste of fabric if I was planning to loose weight) but now that I'm smaller I can make stuff that I know will last longer and be worn and get back to working on creating my 'style' which I've been debating and dithering about for years and still haven't managed to find!

I want the boys and I to be happy. We are all so much happier here than we were at the old place and this house is filled with a lot of laughter and love which was always my goal. However, depression has robbed the boys of a lot of emotion from me at times and I'm going to try and cut that out and get back to giving them all I can. They make me incredibly happy and I intend to do the same for them. I know I can't be happy all the time but the long periods of Mummy being grumpy are going to stop.

I think that's just about it really. My major goal is to live my life, not just go through it watching the days pass. Sometimes living will be like it has been this week, in my pyjamas relaxing and taking care of my mental health, at other times it will be doing new things, meeting new people and getting myself out of the house more. Whatever living requires I want to do it, I wasted too many years in a life I wasn't happy with and was bored with and I don't want to waste any more time.

The title of this blog came not just from a great Ani Difranco song but also from how I felt when I was coming out of the postnatal depression I had after having Jim. Again I feel like I'm finally waking up, realising that my life wasn't what I wanted it to be and I now have the power to make it what I want it to be and that I can choose which path I follow next. It's both empowering and very very scary. I didn't expect to be facing it alone and with 2 children at the age of 36, but I have infinite possibilities and very little to hold me back so here's to a year where I hope to face those possibilities with excitement and be open to new things and I promise to blog more so you can all come along for the ride!

Here's to a more productive 2009, as always I have a ton of projects either underway or in my head and I hope to find more time to get things completed! My final goal is to blog much more, I've missed you guys and your input so expect to 'hear' from me more in 2009!