So I've nothing new to show for this week alone, I realised that I just needed time to decompress and do as little as possible so reading, film watching and starting to work my way through the complete Buffy The Vampire dvd's
that I got for Christmas have been my sole accomplishments this week, along with getting dressed as few times as possible.
I have been doing some knitting though, I cast on and am about three quarters of the way through a circular kitchen mat. I got some more extreme knitting needles for Christmas, one set being 2 dpns
that are 19mm, so using 5 balls of yarn I cast on 4 stitches and have been knitting i-cord all week. I have a few more balls of yarn that I want to add in and then I will call it done. I'm interested in measuring exactly how much i-cord I have knit but not so interested in the sewing up that will be required once it's cast off!
I've not been that productive this year compared to previous years which isn't that surprising considering the split from the ex, moving home and trying to figure out how to be a single parent. I was surprised actually at how much I had done, it feels like far less, but as is the tradition here is the list of all the items that I managed to complete in 2008.Sewing
1 pair of adult Pyjamas
12 kids t-shirts
9 pairs kids trousers
8 pairs of kids pyjamas
1 pair of kitchen curtains
2 gratitude wrapsKnitting
6 pairs of socks
1 hot water bottle cozy
2 kids jumpers
I have to say that I will be glad to put this year behind me, it's been a rough one and I have spent a lot of it either upset or depressed which is really no way to be living my life. I'm determined to make 2009 the year where I get myself together and begin achieving my goals whilst at the same time leaving the past behind me. My life is so much better now than it has been in years which is great on one level but also manages to make me feel sad on another level if that makes any sense. I have made great leaps towards finding myself again and being who I want to be as well as starting to take care of myself better and to accept who I am. That sounds like an odd combination, changing myself and accepting myself at the same time, but as I figure out more who I want to be I also find sometimes that I'm already like that in some ways and I just lost track of it under the crap I've had to deal with.
Another thing that happened this year which I've not written about is that Jim was diagnosed with mild Aspergers
Syndrome. It runs in both families and from some of his behaviours I figured he probably did have some symptoms but actually getting a diagnosis was hard. At the moment his school and I are trying to get him a 'Statement' which basically means proving to the local Council that he is in need of extra help and getting them to pay for it. At the moment Jim has a Teaching Assistant looking after him full time at school as without constant support he gets distracted and is unable to function in the classroom. His TA is wonderful and he loves her to pieces but he needs someone who is just there for him (she has to do her 'proper' job as well which is probably pretty rough on her although she doesn't show it). If we can get the funding from the Council someone will be specifically hired to be with Jim through the whole time he's at this school and it will make it so much easier for him. He's an incredibly bright child (and that's not just the Mother in me talking!) and I am confident that as he grows up he will be able to find a way to function in the world and deal with his issues but for now he's just a little boy who doesn't know he's any different from anyone else and doesn't understand why he finds the world such a confusing place.
In a way having the diagnosis has helped a lot as I can finally see that it's not the way I've parented him and it's not that he's a naughty child, it is what it is. Had he been my second child I probably would have known much earlier that he had issues as he and Piggle
are so completely different that it would have been obvious. However, now that I do know (and he doesn't know, I'm not telling him until he asks as I don't see the need to burden him) I can do everything to make life easier for him and to help him get the help he needs. I've filled in an awful lot of very depressing forms this year telling people what is 'wrong' with my child and I'm hoping for less of those forms in the New Year and for less appointments with Educational Psychologists, Speech Therapists and Paediatricians for Jim. The process should end in May and there are still many more hurdles to leap and reports for people to file.
I don't really do resolutions but I do want to set out some goals for the new year and I thought I would share them here in case anyone else is interested or trying to achieve some of the same things.
I want to carry on loosing weight. So far I have lost 30lbs, ok
I gained 4 of those back but they will go again soon. I have just been eating more healthily and exercising a bit and it's coming off well. My first major goal was to loose 60lbs so I've a way to go yet but I know I can get there and my goal to reach that 60lbs is May which is totally doable.
I want to make exercise a habit. I tend to exercise
for a few days and then when I get to a day off I don't get back to it for another week or so! I want to be exercising
5 days a week without fail and to aid me in that I've bought myself some yoga dvds
to work from.
I want to get my finances more under control and pay off as much debt as I can. I am paying back my parents the money that I borrowed when I moved (I make the last payment to them in March) and I have been making larger payments to my credit card than they ask for (although I seem to always have an unplanned expense that has to go on the credit card...). I have a plan and by the end of the year I want to be as debt free as I can be which should be possible and leave me just with a credit card debt that will hopefully be small (barring emergencies of course).
I want to carry on looking after myself well. A lot of this is girly
stuff like painting my toenails, doing my hair, dressing better, wearing jewellery etc but for many years now I've put myself last and not felt that I was worth taking the time or money over. Since I have been looking after myself I feel so much better and more confident and I want that to continue.
I want to move on emotionally. I know I can't put a time limit on this and healing takes time but I am no longer willing to wallow in what happened or let it bring me down the way it has been. The divorce will go through before the summer and I want to let it go. I am not the type of person who forgives and forgets, I will never be able to do either of those things, what I need to do is to learn to accept it, even though I don't like it and even though I'm still mad as hell and incredibly hurt. I have to let it go and go onto new things. I wasted too many years on a relationship that wasn't worth it and a man who wasn't right for me in too many ways to count and I refuse to waste another one.
I want to find out my options for studying and make moves towards my PhD. For a while this will just be me reading around the subject I'm interested in and figuring out what I want to actually do the PhD in but I can also make practical moves in finding out how much it will cost, where I'd like to do it and what my financial options are. This is my big dream which will hopefully lead to the career I want once both the boys are in full time school and I need to get going on it and get my brain back into learning and discovering so I can begin the long walk down this new path.
I want to do more sewing and knitting. I have really missed it and when I have managed to get stuff done I have felt wonderful about it. The sewing especially has suffered this year and that has a lot to do with the weight issue (I refuse to sew for myself at such a large size firstly because I hated being that size and secondly because it seemed like a waste of fabric if I was planning to loose weight) but now that I'm smaller I can make stuff that I know will last longer and be worn and get back to working on creating my 'style' which I've been debating and dithering about for years and still haven't managed to find!
I want the boys and I to be happy. We are all so much happier here than we were at the old place and this house is filled with a lot of laughter and love which was always my goal. However, depression has robbed the boys of a lot of emotion from me at times and I'm going to try and cut that out and get back to giving them all I can. They make me incredibly happy and I intend to do the same for them. I know I can't be happy all the time but the long periods of Mummy being grumpy are going to stop.
I think that's just about it really. My major goal is to live my life, not just go through it watching the days pass. Sometimes living will be like it has been this week, in my pyjamas relaxing and taking care of my mental health, at other times it will be doing new things, meeting new people and getting myself out of the house more. Whatever living requires I want to do it, I wasted too many years in a life I wasn't happy with and was bored with and I don't want to waste any more time.
The title of this blog came not just from a great Ani Difranco
song but also from how I felt when I was coming out of the postnatal depression I had after having Jim. Again I feel like I'm finally waking up, realising that my life wasn't what I wanted it to be and I now have the power to make it what I want it to be and that I can choose which path I follow next. It's both empowering and very very scary. I didn't expect to be facing it alone and with 2 children at the age of 36, but I have infinite
possibilities and very little to hold me back so here's to a year where I hope to face those possibilities with excitement and be open to new things and I promise to blog more so you can all come along for the ride!
Here's to a more productive 2009, as always I have a ton of projects either underway or in my head and I hope to find more time to get things completed! My final goal is to blog much more, I've missed you guys and your input so expect to 'hear' from me more in 2009!
Labels: general life, round up